Aranda's Playbook Vandalized by Someone Who Knows How to Play Football
Written by Bro. BueNoZe Aires
On Sunday night, a burglar broke into Dave Aranda’s house. It was a chilly, 102° evening when Aranda, the head coach with the shiniest head in all of Baylor history, was peacefully reading “Coaching a Multimillion Dollar Football Program for Dummies” on his living room sofa. It had been a long and stressful day– practice had been unproductive, and the team was still down in the dumps over the whole going 3-9 thing. Aranda decided to hit the hay. He put down his book, slipped on his Lady and Joy shaped slippers, and moseyed on over to his bathroom sink. He brushed his teeth, shined his smooth, contoured head, and crawled into his California king bed, adorned with 2019 LSU Joe Burrow sheets. He said his nightly prayer:
“Now as I lay me down to sleep,
I pray BU my Job to keep:
O-line watch me through the night,
Run it up the middle.”
As he tossed and turned in REMless slumber, Dave felt truly defeated, like he was just waiting for Linda to break his contract and relegate him to a sad, cucked life as the defensive coordinator at UNT. But little did he know, his entire career was about to change. A window in his kitchen shattered at 3:57 Athletic Misdemeanor, and in slipped our mystery man. He had no blocking (This is not to say that there were no blockers present. There were. They just weren’t very helpful), so he hid fearfully under his Joe Sheisty sheets until he heard the burglar shut the front door on his way out.
When Aranda got up to investigate, he was shocked at the state of his home: it was totally untouched. His TV and computer were still on the table, there weren’t any trophies to steal, and the burglar had even swept up the broken glass from the window. But, to the coach’s horror, one thing had been vandalized: his playbook. He found it sitting open on his kitchen counter, his signature play ripped out–Aranda could no longer run it up the middle. Upon closer inspection, though, the play had been replaced with hastily scribbled, S-tier schemes. We’re talking top-of-the-line plays–which include, but are not limited to: Bobcat Molester Left, Quantum Superposition Fake Handoff, RPO White Quarterback Project, and PA Cum and Take It.
While Aranda was disappointed that his bread and butter had been ripped away from him, he was thankful for the burglar’s general football acumen and even went so far as to call him a vigilante. Aranda claims he will be leaving out a plate of milk and cookies next Sunday night, in the hopes that his midnight mystery playmaker will return to save his job and the 2024 football season.
