Point: I will make your life worse
Written by Bro. DoNoZe Trump
Folks, I will not lie to you: I will lie to you. Kamala, she keeps making false promises. But I promise you: I will make more than she ever could. Our economy is in the shitter; down the can. I can make it worse for you. I will make my bank account great again. God loves you.
Genocide is great, and I love it. I will do a great many things to aid it. I remember when Net And Yahoo was on my computer, now he’s bombing women and children. I might even love that more than Bush did. God Bless.
Sleepy Joe was too old to be president, he was the oldest presidential candidate ever. Very old. Now I, the oldest presidential candidate ever, am fit to serve you. But not fit as in lean, I need my McDonald’s. I picked up a shift there. Did you see that? I love the common man. Really do. I’ll take his job. They can’t do it better than me, I’ll tell you that, folks. You’re fired. God Bless.
I just want some of you to die. Millions–possibly even billions. And that is a sacrifice I am willing to make. They tried to kill me, but they couldn’t, so I’m going to kill you. It’s going to be great. God Bless.
Folks, I want to make it absolutely clear, your lives will be worse. I will be your fourth horseman. I will rip you limb from limb. A vote for me gets my half chub a-rockin’. You know what else gets me a-rockin’? A purchase of the God Bless The USA Bible. Easy-to-read, large print, and slim design: this Bible invites you to explore God’s Word anywhere, any time. This bible has been designed so that it delivers an easy reading experience in the trusted King James Version translation. This large print Bible will be perfect to take to church, a bible study, work, travel, etc.
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This Bible also features a copy of:​
Handwritten chorus to “God Bless The USA” by Lee Greenwood
The US Constitution
The Bill of Rights
The Declaration of Independence
The Pledge of Allegiance
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I need this money bad, folks. God Bless.
Counter Point: I will do nothing for you
Written by Bro. KamaNoZe Harris
Ladies and gentlemen, please. My opponent is pure evil incarnate. I won’t pave the road to Hell with good intentions, in fact, I’ll pave no roads. I’ll do nothing for you.
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Genocide is great, I love it. I will do nothing to stop it. I remember when Palestine was a small town in Texas, now they both have the same amount of standing buildings. I imprisoned hundreds of potheads, but will settle the difference by letting in hundreds of pot dealers. I provided oral pleasure for my aging boss, but once I become president I pledge to deprive my husband Doug of oral pleasure until my dying day. I laugh like a witch in public, but weep like a widow when the lights go out and the shadows approach. I call for compromise in public, but am lauded by my friends as “Kamala, Heir to Sharkeisha” in private. I am pure neutral, my beautiful sisters, Even Steven, if you’ve watched that Seinfeld episode. Although I disavow that Puerto Rican episode; my island men, I love you.
I will be too pussyfoot to follow through on my promises, I can promise you that. I will codify Roe V. Wade into law in the same way Joe Biden did, and the democratic president before that, and the democratic president before that, etc. etc. Ladies, your body, not my choice. I’ll do nothing.
Let me keep this short. I was on Saturday Night Live. I’m relevant. I was a racist cop. Ignore that last part. A vote for me is a vote for white bread. Make fun of my laugh again and I may actually do something.